Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Luctus temporalis

Luctus temporalis
One of the things that annoys me about the fact that in all probability I won't live for ever is that it means I won't get to see all the crazy shit those space-age futuristas will come up with. Mostly the time machines. Example: only yesterday, a moment of genuine sadness overcame me when, while warming up some nice thick pea and ham soup, I glanced at my cooker and felt a real pang of regret that I might never be able to pop back to a carefully-tended Palæolithic fireside, wrest a caveman's attention from the dancing shadows cast by its oh-so-hard-won flames, zap him back to my futuristic lair and show him a god-damned GAS HOB. I mean, imagine the look on his face while I'm just standing there, switching it on, and off, and on, and off. Maybe casually scorching some paper, a candle, a sabre-tooth steak; you know, just making the point. On, again; once more, off. And hey! Look! I switched it on again! Yeah! How'd you like them apples, Cavey? He'd go batshit, I'm telling you.

Saturday, June 30, 2007

Wrecked

Wrecked
We sat on Thursday evening, side-saddle on the pouffe in the fifth-floor lounge, chewing on some fruited bread and waiting for a table, when I became aware of a smell of something burning. An electrical smell, maybe? Or perhaps plastic? A girl sitting on a nearby armchair turned and sniffed the air at exactly the moment I did; our eyes met and we nodded. Something's definitely burning. She called a waitress to inform her of our concern. The odour wafted away from me and idly I focussed momentarily on the menu; on various private considerations; on the game of backgammon I was shortly to play; then suddenly on the pall of thick black smoke engulfing the chunk of world outside the window. A moment of calm, serene clarity - the floor below must be on fire; we have to get out. Now. The peals of the fire alarm seemed to confirm my instinctive diagnosis.

My friend returned from a quickly-abandoned trip to the ladies' room, from where she'd seen the same display; we exchanged a swift, solemn glance, and headed for the fire exit. By the time we got to the street we could see that flames licked only a motorbike on its side and this adjacent Vespa whose burning vinyl seat had emitted such a voluminous cloud, the pair nestled ultimately safely between a cold brick wall, a cemented pavement and a cobbled street.

We circumnavigated the block so as to grant a decent perimeter to the firemen's activities, and returned to the bar, where a much better seat at a table we could now have to ourselves was waiting, and where the queue to order dinner had mysteriously evaporated, sublimated by the fire into a ghost of past expectations, and a waitress appeared, phoenix-like, to take our order. I won the round of backgammon 4-2, with two of my victories sullied by narrow squeaks and lucky throws.