Igor Clark

Just now, I worked out that I could retrieve the photos from my ’phone using Bluetooth (oooh, check me - I’d thought my ’phone was too crap, but in fact it’s just about capable), which made me look at some pictures of things that had been lurking on it, practically forgotten, for up to a year. That reminded me of things from ages ago in general, which in turn reminded me of a list I made ages ago in response to a question I was asked about which sorts of things annoy the hell out of me. Not “annoy” in a big, important, politics-y kind of way, but in a niggling, irritating, gets-right-on-my-tits kind of way. This is that list. Well, the following bit is. The bit after this full stop. No, this one.

1. My frequent inability to find things which I only put down about 2 minutes ago.

2. Inanimate objects not doing what they’re told to do or staying where they’re told to stay, like: “I told you to stay balanced on the edge of the sink, plate! What the hell do you think you’re doing jumping on the floor and spraying gravy everywhere? You’re just an inanimate object! Do what you’re told!”

3. Related to item 2, but additionally: every (I repeat, every) time I put a bowl or pasta dish or whatever in the sink to wash it with the tap on, the spoon jumps as though with voluntary power instinct to the centre of the bowl, the stream of water from the tap gets deflected off the concave surface of the spoon and it sprays, fountain-like, all over me. I really hate that.

4. Damn wires everywhere.

6. Technology that looks really good and should do something I really want, but just doesn’t work or (even worse) works for just long enough for me to have a Damascene moment regarding its potential applications, and then breaks irretrievably.

6. Screaming kids on public transport and in supermarkets, particularly when I’m hungry or tired.

7. Actually, when I’m hungry or tired just about anything pisses me off.

8. Oh yeah, mosquitoes. Mosquitoes make me angry. "That’s my blood, you little bastard, not yours! Die! Horribly!"

9. Not being able to kill mosquitoes ’cos the little fuckers have learnt to teleport to the other side of the room right at the last femtosecond (I LOVE THAT WORD) and then just sit there, smirking at you.

10. Obsessive food snobs who turn their nose up even at better-quality premade foods, like, I don’t know, Covent Garden soups. Look, we all know that it’s not as good as a proper home- or restaurant-made soup. We all know that it hasn’t got the same quality ingredients. Etc., etc., ad nauseam. For a carton of gunk which costs about 2 quid and which you can heat up in a few minutes, it’s really not bad. Stop being a nob.

11. Anyone who actually values anything they got from The Alchemist, The Celestine Prophecy, etc, etc. Stop being a tit.

That's the end of the list. Well, that's as far as I got when I wrote it, anyway.